You matters.

Im not sure when you started to matter in my life. Honestly, I dont really care about you much, but somehow, you just matters to me. I started making efforts for you, you started having a place in my heart. There are times whereby I felt that it really suck that you matters, because I am nothing to you, you dont care, you dont give a damn, I dont matter. That s why I thought, maybe I should stop.

Then I tried, and I cant. I cant stop caring, I cant remove you just like that.

I hate you, happy twenty-seventh birthday.

x,

10:53pm

Fame.

Some of us are cut out for that, but some of us are not. Some of us chase for it, some of us just won it through beauty, ability, talent.

Does the number of "like" and the number of "comment" really matters?
Does the numbers indicates that you re famous?


No, I doubt so.


Still, we are all constantly checking out on our latest Facebook post, Instagram post, and every other social media we have on the likes and comments, craving for more likes, more comments, without fail. Even when we re not into being in the limelight, seeking attentions. I guess we all needs boosters, and we re just boosting our own egos, and confident with the number of likes and comment on our social media platforms.

So at the end of the day, you re still you, not famous, but just a normal human being who needs virtual boosters in your life.

x,
04:41pm

Im going to ask the stupidest questions right now.


How do I love someone? How should I love someone? What s the definition of love? I could count with my ten fingers on the number of guys that Ive fell in love for, yet not knowing how to love, not knowing how to keep them by my side, not knowing how to make them feel the same, not knowing how to make them love me like I do.

The scenarios that always happens to me;
I do attract guys, Im not sure why/ how, but I do. They get interested in me, somehow. They hang out with me, dinners and movies. They do make me feel that, yes they liked me, but sadly it never last. Never, none did. Most of these are the ones whom I always fell for, and it is also the reason why I turn into a fucking awkward and boring girl when I start to develop feelings for them. That suck, really.

Guy who totally love hanging with me, who are very nice to me, who care and concern, who totally enjoy everything, as long as its with me, and fell in love with me are the ones whom I have no feelings for. I would tend to push them away, "friend-zone" them. I will be so afraid to hurt them, and I will be so afraid to lose them. I will always feel that Im not good enough for these lovely, caring guys in my life, I dont deserve them.

Do I really love the guys that I dont feel comfortable w, yet developed feelings for? Are those feelings even real? Or is it that I tend to crave more for things that I cant have, and while doing that I lose myself, and even more.

Or do I actually love those that I can be really comfortable w, but not knowing that I actually have developed feelings for, because I always think that I dont deserve them, and always afraid that I would hurt them, I would lose them?


Many says that we all have to learn how to love ourselves first, before others would start loving us. Perhaps. But how should I love myself?

Anyw, Ive never ever been in a relationship before, but I do want, and I dont know how. I just need someone who cares, and have the power to make me care.

x,
03:03pm

Ive decided to start typing again.


Im a awkward person, but Im never awkward with my closest girl friends and my family, and that s comfortable.

Sometimes I wonder how should I portray myself in the public, how should I portray myself infront of my friends, how should I portray myself infront of the one I like, and even the one I love. It s difficult to be me, to be comfortable and not care out there.

I really yearn to be me, I yearn to stop being awkward.

x,
01:18pm